phineas father of the year
by 420wizkhalifalover
Summary: Phineas & Ferb


"Hey Ferb! I know what we're going to do today!" Phineas shouted to his step brother on the phone while walking onto the back porch of his home in Danville, located in the heart of the tri- state area.

"Oh Phineas, its been so long since we've had an adventure, what shall we do today, dear brother of mine?," Ferb half whispered in response, barely audible over the shuffling footsteps and sounds of the busy subway station.

Ferb knew that this was serious. Phineas was going through a hard time and had started "self medicating" almost twice a week with a heavy dosage of ketamine. Although Ferb was not judging Phineas, it saddened him that his best friend had so much trouble since their youthful days of summer vacation.

Meanwhile, their sister Candace had done relatively well for herself. She had discovered a love of criminal investigation and after a short stint in the police force, then she had dedicated her life to helping people through private investigation. Right now she was drinking a glass of wine and looking over the clues to whether or not her step father, Lawerence, was cheating on her dear clueless mother, Linda.

The sound of buzzing next to her computer broke her deep concentrated stare at her computer screen and she looked down to see an incoming Facetime call from Ferb. "Ferb?" she thought, "how odd it has been so long since he's talked to me...after the incident...it must be important."

"Hello?"

"Hey Candance, are you busy right now?"

"Not exactly..."her eyes gazed over to pictures of Lawrence booking a secret hotel room at his office.

"Good, I need you to go to Phineas' house right now."

"You know I cant do that...he wont speak to me, much less open the door for me"

"Candace, he's pregnant"

30 minutes later Candace was pulling up to the large house Phineas had bought after he found out that his real father was Dr. Doofenschmirtz and had guilted him into giving him a large sum of money to make up for his absence for his time in his life. Of course, this also meant that Candace would always have to know in the back of her mind that Phineas could hold that over her head, that he was brave enough to confront Doofenszchmirtz. Last she had heard, Dr. Doof was even administering a twice weekly dose of special K to him. Or was it some sort of amphetamine? Either way she would rather just not know.

"Phineas I know you are in there. Open up the door right now."

She saw a light flash on downstairs and he finally open up the door half way.

"Oh Candace, have you heard what we're going to do today?"

"Agent P, Doctor Doofenshmirtz is up to something; find out what it is, and put a stop to it!"

Major Monogram shouts to Perry. Lately, it seemed like something was bothering the poor platypus but Monogram couldn't figure out what the problem was. Anyway, he was just his boss and so it was really none of his concern what P's problems were, right? He was conflicted, happy workers makes for a happy paycheck, right?

"Wait, P, I must ask you something?"

perry nods back*

"Are you sure you want to be doing this still?" Perry had been a dedicated agent to the firm for as long as Monogram could remember. In fact, Monogram remembered being a young man many years back and P still looked the same. How odd, did he not age?

Perry opened his mouth to say something. Minutes passed.

With a swift turn, Perry turned around and walked to the door without uttering a response. Without turning around, still as stoic and composed as always, he repeated, "Monogram...its none of your god damn business." and stepped out.

Monogram smiled without hesitation, Perry was fine.

"Candace you have to calm down."

It had been minutes since Ferb had Facetimed Candace to tell her the news. Seconds after hanging up, Candace called her girlfriend, Vanessa, to confide in her about the situation. No, Vanessa was never Dr. Doof's real daughter. It was a cover for their sugar daddy/baby arrangement they had which they had called off a few years ago due to Dr. Doof's apparent aversion to actually giving Vanessa the money she was owed. However, he didn't seem to have an aversion to giving Phineas a great sum of bills but it wasn't her concern, she was just happy to be out of that contractually binding relationship that caused her to lie to her friends, her family and most detrimentally, to herself.

However, ironically, it was Candace, Dr. Doof's real daughter with whom Vanessa had fallen madly in love with the year after graduating college.

The taste of her lips, the way she could instantly assess a situation and respond quickly, her long legs, her beautiful hair she had cut into a short pixie cut senior year of high school and rocked until recently keeping it just past her shoulders, almost always tied up into a messy bun. Vanessa loved her, Candace loved her work.

It had been a month since Phineas secretly started officially trying to have a baby. He told his whole family he was doing ketamine for his depression, which seems crazy but since when has he been normal? Linda, his mother, and Dr. Doof, his biological father, were the only two who knew the truth behind his frequent trips to his fathers office.

He had always wanted to be a father. It was his dream. It was what he was meant to do, he wanted to inspire some little triangle shaped head baby to explore and spark a lifetime of imagination into a child. But how? How could he do this alone? Quickly he reminded himself, as his therapist often did, he wasn't alone. He had family.

"Isnt it kinda weird your dad is getting you pregnant?" Dr. Doof said under his breath to Phineas.

"First of all, you are my father but you are NOT my dad" Phineas snapped at him but he knew he had to be kind to the old man because he was going to make medical history by implanting a fake uterus inside him and then plant a seed there that would grow into Phineas' key to happiness.

"But yes, it is weird and I would like not to think about that please" he added as Doof started applying a local anesthesia to his lower stomach.

"Candace, I love you so much, we will get through this together" Vanessa was still trying to ease some of her girlfriends worries. However, she knew nothing could stop C after she started worrying about her brothers. It always came off as rude but she just wanted the best for everyone around her.

"Im going to call Isabella she needs to know about this."

"C, is that a good idea? Whens the last time you talked to her?"

"Not since, the incident."

This angered Vanessa so much, why did she have to bring that up all the time? Couldn't she just fucking let it go and pretend it didn't happen like everyone else.

"Yes, Candace?" Isabella had finally answered after Candace had called three times and left two voicemails for her to call her back as soon as possible.

"Bella, I have something to tell you, what are you doing right now?"

"Just finishing up watering in the greenhouse, you know I do that around 2 every day don't you though, Candace?" she had always felt like Candace used her private investigation skills against her and knew too much about her life. Isabella had become quite a recluse in the recent years, mostly because of her fear of never being good enough.

"No, surprisingly, i didn't know you even had a greenhouse. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not constantly stalking people I grew up with and haven't talked to in four years okay."

"Okay just fucking tell me whats going on"

"Okay, so Phineas is pregnant"

"Youve got to be shitting me Candy, theres no way, are you taking drugs too?"

"Fuck you Bella, Phineas isn't even on drugs it was just a cover up for the artificial insemination appointments he had."

"God. Theres a reason I stopped asking that man Whatcha Doin' a long time ago."

"Phiny please just let me in" Candace begged her brother to just for once in his life tell her what the hell was going on.

"If i open up my door to you, you cant stop what I'm doing"

"You know i will always support the hell out of you but theres no way I'm keeping this from Mom"

"She already knows, Can, okay?"

She was shocked. She talked to her mother at least once every two days on the phone and she had joined her Book Club to get closer to her because she knew their bond was one of the only good ones she had left, plus she just wanted her mom to trust her again after years of believing that Candance constantly lied to her to make her hate her own sons. Anyway, Linda had not mentioned it and had hidden it from her very own PI daughter.

Perry was too old for all of this. He knew it deep down and he wanted to retire but since the Fletcher boys had put him up for adoption at the local animal shelter he knew that he needed to keep making money to support himself and keep paying rent at a nice place next to the creek on 18th street. He scuffled by Doofenschmirtz Inc. Honestly, he should just fucking pay rent their since he had spent the past 22 years dedicated to foiling the evil doctors plans. It was a simple task and it was worth the income he got from it but it was starting to get boring. He was an old man, he deserved to see the world and replace his fedora hat with a nice old straw tourist hat.

"Perry, what are you doing here" Dr. Doof greeted his enemy with a hint of compassion. He liked the company.

"Ya know, the same ole same ole, can I grab a beer from the fridge?"

"Yea go ahead, just don't look in the spare room please."

Dr. Doof wasn't the brightest and he still hadn't learned from his mistakes in the past. P immediately opened the spare room door and saw a few test tubes and something that looked like...a turkey baster?

"Fuck P i told you not to look in there"

"has that ever stopped me" he playfully quipped back at his arch nemesis.

"Well, i guess i should just tell you, thats the Impreg-inator!" he smiled proudly at the great continuity he had for naming his devices.

"The Impreg-nator? Really Phineas?" Candace questioned of her brother.

"Yes, okay, it sounds dumb but I want to prove that I can be an amazing single dad who will raise a smart, sensitive, independent and fun loving child on my own and I can show that dad's can destroy toxic masculinity simply by being better people themselves."

"I admire you so much Phiny but you know you have so much time left to get someone else pregnant and raise a child with someone you love."

He seemed hurt by this statement. He hadn't loved anyone since Isabella and the person sitting across from him, his very own sister, is who stole any chance he had with her.

"Candace I think you need to go. I'll call Vanessa and keep you updated that way about the pregnancy but I really cant be around you anymore, it hurts too much."

Ferb was angered. Why did Phineas do this? Why was everything about him? Since he moved to New York he had really found his voice and wanted to distance himself from his narcisstic, emotionally manipulative half brother. Of course he loved him, of course he was fond of their memories from boyhood but he never felt bad for how he had hurt Phineas back in retaliation, because in Ferb's mind it was nothing compared to the controlling he suffered through since his father married Linda. As his plane started to take off, between the sounds of his ear popping and sweat beading on his forehead he started thinking of the incident. Would he see Bella? Would Vanessa hate him? He put his mind at ease by thinking about how anything he did never topped the fact that Phineas literally just got pregnant.

Agent P showed up at Phineas' house. He loved the boy but resented him deeply for his abandonment of his childhood pet in his old age.

"Perry! What are you doing here?" He saw Dr. Doof's limousine pulling up, hitting the curb and stopping abruptly in the middle of the road right in front of the house.

"Phineas let me in right now." Perry hastened his speech and begged the boy to just for once in his life be smart about something.

Isabella hummed a song to herself and put on her green beret. Today would be the day she had to leave her sanctuary. Her house was her temple and she was a monk devoted to the cause. She pet both her cats and stated that she would be back soon. She had things to do today. She had someone to ask "Whatcha doin'" to for this first time in a long time.

Vanessa, hearing Candace coming through the front door, went down the small metal spiral staircase from the loft where she was napping to ease her mind about the problems at hand.

"Did you see Phineas? Was he hormonal" She knew it wasn't the time to be cracking jokes but she couldn't stop herself.

"Yes, he's going to communicate through you. I need to lay down for a bit I am sad."

Ferb was at her front door. What was going on. Was she reliving that day? Was she hallucinating?

"Hello Bella, my dear, may I come in?" His voice. It had been so long since she had felt something even remotely close to what she was feeling now.

"Y-Y-Yes" she stuttered and opened the door for him.

He sat down on her large white sofa and immediately began to take his shoes off. What was going on? Why was he just making himself comfortable? Ferb always made her feel like she never knew what would happen next but she never felt like she had to ask him what he was doing because he never did anything reckless or hurtful. Unlike Phineas.

"Bella, I am sure Candace has already been by which worries me but I am glad I didn't have to break the news to you about Phineas" Oh right, thats what this is about. She had almost forgotten about her exboyfriend Phineas when she saw Ferb standing on her front door steps. "Oh right yes I have, what am I supposed to do about it?" she quipped

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just needed someone to talk to and you were my best option." He knew he was still in love with her and yet he knew he couldn't do anything about it.

Phineas was confused by Perry's presence but also knew this meant something serious. "Phineas, I have called Linda to tell her to assemble all of your friends and family have them meet us here there is something we must discuss."

A beating at the door was loud and they could hear the muffled yells of Doof begging to let them in.

"Please do not answer for him." Perry told Phineas. "He has very ill intentions I'm afraid"

Everyone started arriving at Phineas' house and just as Perry had prepped Linda to do, they all managed to get in through the back gate and meet inside the pool house to avoid suspicion from Doof.

Bella, Candace, Linda, Ferb, Perry and Phineas all together again. It was like a regular old episode of a child's favorite cartoon having a reunion show.

"I have called you all here because Phineas must have abortion as soon as possible."

"WHAT" yelled Phineas. There was no way in hell he would have an abortion, he wanted a child. He wasn't opposed to other people having aboirtions but he went through so much work to get pregnant why in the world would he want to get rid of it.

"Maybe you should just listen to what he has to say" Bella interjected.

Immediately Ferb turned to her and put his and on her thigh and almost like an omniscient voice stated, "Please Bella, not tonight"

"Really Izzy? You want to go there?" Now Phineas had two reasons to be angry.

"You think you can have a threesome with my SISTER and my STEP BROTHER and now you can tell me what to do?!" he yelled across the room

"Oh fuck" Perry had no idea that this was going to happen, he just needed to give Phineas this dosage of mifepristone as soon as possible.

"Phineas its okay I promise we'll figure this out" Vanessa stood up and touched him on the shoulder. Linda seemed surprised by all this because she had literally no idea what was going on. She just wanted to be a grandmother and she knew damn well Candace wouldn't give her any grandkids.

"Okay anyway, you don't have a baby inside you. You have a creation Dr. Doof has created that is an evil baby lookalike robot that is designed to come out like a normal child and then kill you and everyone you love in their sleep.

Phineas looked hurt, confused and sad but not surprised.

Slowly taking the pill Perry held out to him, Doof broke in through a window and yelled "WHATCHA DOIN'?"

Which in turned cause Isabella to say out loud, "Uh hello? Do I even need to be here?!" clearly they didn't and plus she wasn't one of Phineas' loved ones. She hated that son of a bitch and could care less if this evil robot baby killed him. Okay that was a little harsh but you get the point.

"Im putting a stop to your evil plan!" Phineas yelled and Perry thought, "well no actually I am but its okay we know you love the recognition and praise" and then Ferb actually said those exact words out loud, like he had read Perry's mind.

"Shut up, you don't even need to talk, no one likes hearing the sound of your terrible voice" Phineas hissed at him and swallowed the pill.

"Curse you Perry the platypus!" he non-enthusiastically said once again for about the hundredth time last year.

"Hey Ferb, I know what were going to do today" Phineas said over the dead silence that had followed after that climatic scene.

"Yes, Phineas?"

"Were going to love each other despite our flaws and were not going to try and force ourselves to always come up with the best, most exciting plans because our plans will never be as good as we like them to be."

Ferb with a glimmer in his eye that proved he still looked up to his step brother, said back to him "Yes Phineas, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry" and he looked down at his lap to see a text from Bella on his phone that said, "Whatcha doin" and it felt good to finally be asked that question.

"And Phineas?"

"Yes Ferb?"

"I want you to know that I will support you in getting a child. I will help you fill out the paperwork for adoption and I can help you every step of the way. That is what family if for. You will get to prove that you will be the most amazing single dad to ever walk this earth."

And then they held each other and cried, gross disgusting ugly loud cries that every man wishes he did more often even if he doesn't know it.


End file.
